THE BUMRUSH

7. Batman & Robin (1997) – After years of therapy, I’ve successfully blocked most of this movie from my memories, but I sort of remember something about nipples and some kind of weird love triangle involving Poison Ivy. There might have been an albino Arnold Schwarzenegger running around somewhere in this mess too, I don’t care to delve any deeper. Plus, some strong demerits for this movie for effectively destroying Hollywood comic book movies for the next 5 years.

Allow me to break the ice. My name is Freeze. Learn it well. For it's the chilling sound of your doom.

6. Batman Forever (1995) – I was pretty excited when I heard that Jim Carrey was going to be starring in this movie as the Riddler and Tommy Lee Jones is a solid professional too, right? Unfortunately, Joel Schumacher took a large, stinking crap on the franchise turning it into a joke and removing everything serious and believable out of the series. Batman Forever plays like a bad parody of a comic book movie. I haven’t seen this movie in years, but the thing I remember most about this movie is Tommy Lee Jones doing some serious overacting as Two Face. Even as a teenager I thought that character was ridiculous.

5. Batman: The Movie – POW! BAM! Adam West as Batman. Hey, it was total camp, but it was a hell of a lot more fun than Joel Schumacher’s Batman. Bonus points for always having the four villains (Joker, Riddler, Penquin, and Catwoman) hanging out and scheming against Batman and Robin together like they were old friends. I always enjoyed that.

4. Batman Returns (1992) – I’m not a fan of the Penguin as a Batman villain, usually because he sucks in pretty much every way imaginable and is a complete loser. But, hey, Danny DeVito played him to a T. And Michelle Pfeiffer was smoking hot as Catwoman – you cannot convince me otherwise of that. The plot of the movie is a little strange due to its focus on the Penguin and him running for major, but I could watch Catwoman all day and be happy.

3. Batman (1989) – Say Batman and Batman Returns were never made by Tim Burton. They never existed. Then you told me that you were going to make a Batman movie and cast Michael Keaton as Batman. I would probably kick you in the balls and mercilessly taunt you to the end of existence. But hey, it worked. Keaton was a hell of a good Batman. And of course, until Heath Ledger one upped him, Nicholson’s Joker defined what a Batman villain was supposed to be.

2. Batman Begins (2005) – I’m a sucker for superhero origin stories (Superman, Spiderman, I even liked the beginning of the Fantastic Four until it went to suck) and Batman Begins delivered on all aspects of how Batman... uh... began. Seeing the beginnings of the bat cave and all the bat tools was pretty sweet as well. Plus, if there was an actor born to play Batman, it was Christian Bale, who even pulls off Bruce Wayne as well as Batman. The movies only demerits are for Katie Homes as Rachel Dawes. And the scarecrow was kind of a wuss.

1. The Dark Knight (2008) – I don’t see how a better Batman movie could be made. It had an incredible story, solid-to-spectacular performances all around (the only weak link being Maggie Gyllenhaal – who was meh), emotion, and action throughout the entire movie. Bonus points for being really funny in parts too, which many a Batman has tried with so-so results.

Labels: comics, movies, top 5

Widely Missing the Cut: Rocky V

5. Rocky IV – When I was 13 years old, I watched a scratchy VHS tape of Rocky IV every single day. Actually, I watched the part where James Brown sings Living in America and then fast forwarded to when Rocky gets to Russia to start training. And you know, the movie works that way. The plot is ridiculous, Paulie has turned into an annoying buffoon by this point in the series and Adrian is a complete succubus during every scene she’s in. But the training scenes were legitimately cool, if a little confusing (why did Rocky scale a 15,000 mountain as part of his boxing training?). And Dolph Lundgren makes a pretty kickass villain. “I win for me! FOR ME!”



4. Rocky II – This movie suffers from the same problem as Rocky 4: the middle half of the movie is excruciatingly boring to sit through. An hour about how much of a loser Rocky is? He can’t read? He doesn’t know what a savings account is? But, the training scenes are as good, if not better, than the first movie and this time we get to watch him run up the steps of the Philadelphia Museum of Art with 100,000 kids following him. Plus, seeing Rocky win the title from Apollo is probably THE MOMENT among all the Rocky movies.



3. Rocky III – I love everything about the third Rocky. Rocky is a paper champ, he’s lost the “Eye of the Tiger,” he’s all of a sudden a huge, ripped bodybuilder, Hulk Hogan makes an appearance as Thunderlips, Apollo is now on Rocky’s side, Mick dies halfway through the movie, and Mr. T is a tour-de-force of a villain. T has arguably my 5 favorite quotes in the series, including:

Interviewer: Do you hate Rocky?
Clubber Lang: No, I don't hate Balboa. I pity the fool, and I will destroy any man who tries to take what I got!

And...

Interviewer: What's your prediction for the fight?
Clubber Lang: My prediction?
Interviewer: Yes, your prediction.
Clubber Lang: Pain!

The training scenes are decent, although they dwell on Rocky’s lack of the “Eye” a little too long. The training montage does lead to a great climax where Rocky and Apollo, wearing the shortest of short-shorts, give each other a giant man-hug while frolicking around in slow motion in the water. Stick that scene in a time capsule and call it the 80’s. While not as good as the Creed/Rocky fights, the fight at the end of the movie is entertaining as somehow Rocky survives 1,000 blows to the head from Clubber Lang.



2. Rocky Balboa – There isn’t much wrong with this movie. Adrian is dead. Rocky at least owns his own restaurant, so he’s not a complete loser like in the second movie. Stallone is scary huge in this movie, which kind of works because he’s still a boxer, except that he looked like some kind of mutant Stallone. The training scenes were awesome, as usual, and the ending to the movie was perfect - encapsulating exactly why people like to root for Rocky whether he wins or loses. The movie deals with some legitimate issues about getting older, loss, and moving on with your life. But for the love of god, let this be the last Rocky movie ever.



1. Rocky – The original is still the best. The movie is really showing its age after 30 years, but it is still enjoyable watch. A no-time, down on his luck Philadelphia boxer who gets a shot at the world title? And he comes within a whisker of winning after no one gives him a chance? The movie also introduced us to what would become a Rocky staple – the training montage.

Labels: 70's, 80's, movies, top 5