You can't stop it. You can't even hope to contain it.
Thursday, June 24, 2010
Tom Cruise Scares People Away From Theaters
Life has not been great for Tom Cruise recently. He jumped on Oprah’s couch, went nutso on the Today Show, played a German WWII Colonel Claus von Stauffenberg like he was Maverick in Top Gun, and was dumped by Paramount Pictures (among many other things). And now his latest movie with Cameron Diaz called “Knight and Day” looks like it’s going to bomb hard, making only $3.8 million dollars in its opening day.
You can’t completely blame Cruise on this one. The movie has been getting surprisingly decent reviews online – something akin to one of those classic summer popcorn movies with good action and surprisingly believable chemistry between Cruise and co-star Cameron Diaz.
Unfortunately, Cruise’s Q-rating is lower the CEO of BP right now, and it appears people don’t want to watch his Scientologist-loving ass on the big screen any more than I want to see the painful devolution of Adam Sandler (Grown Ups… really? REALLY?)
Despite the intense marketing campaign (Including begging Apple for help), “Knight and Day” is expected to gross in the neighborhood of $20-$25 million dollars this weekend. That isn’t a complete disaster compared to something like Jonah Hex, but considering the production costs were around $117 million (with a crazy marketing push on top of that) this movie is going to have a really hard time breaking even.
With a career resurgence over the past couple years, Josh Brolin’s career is as hot as it’s ever been. You figure that he can pick and choose his projects right now. So why not try to bring DC comic book character Jonah Hex to the big screen? Best case scenario, you’re the new Iron Man and you have to start heating your home with stacks of $100 bills because you don’t know what else to do with all the money you’ll be making. Worst case scenario? Your movie bombs with a $5 million opening weekend, slightly ahead of Iron Man 2, which has been in theaters for 2 months.
Jonah Hex, which was plagued by questionable production choices, is apparently an incoherent mess of a movie. But at 81 minutes in length, at least it gets where it’s going in a hurry.
Of course, the real issue here is where does Megan Fox go from here? I anxiously wait on the edge of my seat to hear the answer, but I just want to throw out the fact that my bed is always open.
Actor Dennis Hopper passed away this week at age 74 from complications due to prostate cancer. Say what you will about the always-eccentric often-manic drug fueled actor, but he certainly played life by his rules, whatever the hell they were.
Critics point to Easy Rider, Apocalypse Now, and Blue Velvet as the high water marks in a career that spanned half a century (hell, he’s still actually working as his voice is set to appear in an animated film this fall called Alpha and Omega); but for me it doesn’t get any better than Hopper’s turn as the alcoholic assistant coach Shooter in Hoosiers. Talk about redemption.
Alright, boys, this is the last shot we got! We're gonna run the picket fence at 'em! Jimmy, you're solo right! Everett, Merle should be open on the other side of that fence! Now, boys, don't get caught watchin' the paint dry!
You may know Amanda Seyfried from the “movies” Mamma Mia! or maybe Jennifer's Body... or if you are a heterosexual male, then from absolutely nothing other than being smoking hot. She got her start on a couple of soap operas (As the World Turns and then All My Children if you are being gay again), but officially got her start in the motion pictures in the 2004 Lindsay Lohan classic Mean Girls.
Then after bouncing around between movie and TV projects, she got a lead role in Mamma Mia! and then got to lesbo it up with Megan Fox in Jennifer's Body, a movie described by one IMDB reviewer as “Neither scary nor particularly funny.”
Like any good actress, Seyfried road to respectability within her craft has taken her straight through nudetown. In her new movie Chloe, Seyfried shows plenty of her assets and shares some more lesbian hotness with co-star Julianne Moore. From the reviews, it looks like the movie sucks, but Amanda certainly does not. Or Maybe she does, I don’t know...
You know the story - and sadly it's one we've seen before and will see again. The heyday of Haim was ever so slightly before my formative years, but man, how could you be swayed by the power of the Corey/Corey combo?
Kathryn Bigelow Makes Me Think of Inappropriate Things
Congratulations to Director Kathryn Bigelow for taking home a best director Oscar this weekend for her movie, The Hurt Locker. She is apparently the first woman to take home the best director award ever, which I have heard about approximately a thousand times in the past couple of days. It also means if you had “Best Director” over “President of the United States” in the “which will a woman do first pool”, you can now claim your prize.
I actually saw The Hurt Locker just the other day in my marathon-like preparation for the Oscar awards ceremony. It was a very good movie, certainly kept me on the edge of my seat for at least the first half of it, but at no time during my viewing did I think that it was best picture material. I mean, as much as people like to bash on Avatar (and it did have its problems for sure), twenty years from now which movie are people going to remember?
Yeah, I thought so. I believe the Hurt Locker will eventually end up in the A Beautiful Mind or American Beauty category of pictures that do not age well at all. Especially when you read about what actual Iraq War veterans think about the movie.
Over course, the real question on my mind through all of this is: what did ex-husband James Cameron think about Bigelow’s big win?
“All you have to do is follow three simple rules. One, never underestimate your opponent. Expect the unexpected. Two, take it outside. Never start anything inside the bar unless it's absolutely necessary. And three, be nice. “
Maybe you loved the first Transformers movie. Or maybe like me, you were disappointed with every single part of the movie other than the huge giant robots. But it doesn't really matter, because the second installment is 10 days away and everyone is in the mood to give away free stuff.
That most definitely includes Linkin Park, who wants to give you a custom Fender Squier guitar in honor of their new single that will appear on the movie's soundtrack.
That's only one of the reasons why we love David Carradine. Despite the Bruce Lee-was-created-the-idea-for-Kung-Fu-controversy, Carradine took the original Kung Fu television series, owned it, and parlayed that into a career full of movies and television appearances that almost no one can remember other than the Kill Bill movies. The man made movies the way I eat: fast, dirty, and immediately onto something else.
7. Batman & Robin (1997) – After years of therapy, I’ve successfully blocked most of this movie from my memories, but I sort of remember something about nipples and some kind of weird love triangle involving Poison Ivy. There might have been an albino Arnold Schwarzenegger running around somewhere in this mess too, I don’t care to delve any deeper. Plus, some strong demerits for this movie for effectively destroying Hollywood comic book movies for the next 5 years.
Allow me to break the ice. My name is Freeze. Learn it well. For it's the chilling sound of your doom.
6. Batman Forever (1995) – I was pretty excited when I heard that Jim Carrey was going to be starring in this movie as the Riddler and Tommy Lee Jones is a solid professional too, right? Unfortunately, Joel Schumacher took a large, stinking crap on the franchise turning it into a joke and removing everything serious and believable out of the series. Batman Forever plays like a bad parody of a comic book movie. I haven’t seen this movie in years, but the thing I remember most about this movie is Tommy Lee Jones doing some serious overacting as Two Face. Even as a teenager I thought that character was ridiculous.
5. Batman: The Movie – POW! BAM! Adam West as Batman. Hey, it was total camp, but it was a hell of a lot more fun than Joel Schumacher’s Batman. Bonus points for always having the four villains (Joker, Riddler, Penquin, and Catwoman) hanging out and scheming against Batman and Robin together like they were old friends. I always enjoyed that.
4. Batman Returns (1992) – I’m not a fan of the Penguin as a Batman villain, usually because he sucks in pretty much every way imaginable and is a complete loser. But, hey, Danny DeVito played him to a T. And Michelle Pfeiffer was smoking hot as Catwoman – you cannot convince me otherwise of that. The plot of the movie is a little strange due to its focus on the Penguin and him running for major, but I could watch Catwoman all day and be happy.
3. Batman (1989) – Say Batman and Batman Returns were never made by Tim Burton. They never existed. Then you told me that you were going to make a Batman movie and cast Michael Keaton as Batman. I would probably kick you in the balls and mercilessly taunt you to the end of existence. But hey, it worked. Keaton was a hell of a good Batman. And of course, until Heath Ledger one upped him, Nicholson’s Joker defined what a Batman villain was supposed to be.
2. Batman Begins (2005) – I’m a sucker for superhero origin stories (Superman, Spiderman, I even liked the beginning of the Fantastic Four until it went to suck) and Batman Begins delivered on all aspects of how Batman... uh... began. Seeing the beginnings of the bat cave and all the bat tools was pretty sweet as well. Plus, if there was an actor born to play Batman, it was Christian Bale, who even pulls off Bruce Wayne as well as Batman. The movies only demerits are for Katie Homes as Rachel Dawes. And the scarecrow was kind of a wuss.
1. The Dark Knight (2008) – I don’t see how a better Batman movie could be made. It had an incredible story, solid-to-spectacular performances all around (the only weak link being Maggie Gyllenhaal – who was meh), emotion, and action throughout the entire movie. Bonus points for being really funny in parts too, which many a Batman has tried with so-so results.
The Dark Knight is a record setting movie in more ways than one.
Through its second weekend in theaters, the Dark Knight has already made $314 million domestically – including hauling in $75.6 million over this past weekend, which put it way ahead of Step Brothers ($30.1 million) and Momma Mia ($17.7 million) in the top spot.
Interestingly, it took Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull 67 days to make what the new batman film has done in 10. It set a record for best second-weekend gross. And the Dark Knight has also become the quickest movie to reach $300 million – 10 days - beating out the old record holder, Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Man's Chest, by 6 days.
Next stop - $400 million and possibly on its way to becoming the first movie this decade to make $500 million domestically.
Megan Fox is hot, I won’t lie to you. It remains to be seen how talented she is, but expect to see her everywhere the rest of 2008 and 2009. Including this little slice of hell.
Best Movie: Transformers. Was Transformers high art? Hell no. Was it fun? Yes. And to my surprise, Megan Fox was actually decent in it. Unlike many other “wet blanket” wives/girlfriends/hot pieces of ass in action movies, her character actually added something to the movie. Something very little, but hey, it was more than I was expecting. She even had some good chemistry with noted drunk driver and co-star Shia LaBeouf. Most importantly, she was smoking hot at all times, which had to be the main point of her character.
Worst Movie: Transformers. Were you aware that Megan Fox has only been in one movie? Well, two if you count How to Lose Friends & Alienate People, which has premiered at Cains but is coming to the US in the fall.
She’s done a lot of TV, including a series called Ocean Ave, which I swear has the lowest IMDB user rating that I’ve ever seen (1.1). Even “Manos: The Hands of Fate” managed to snag a 1.8 user rating.
But, this is perfect, because as much as I loved Transformers, I hated it as well. It was hands down, my most anticipated movie of the year last year. I’m not a huge Michael Bay fan (with the exception of the Rock, which is awesome, probably due to Sean Connery’s involvement) so I was a little worried, but I thought, hey at least the guy can do action.
And Bay did pull off the action in the Transformers. The stuff going on between the Autobots and Decepticons rocked the house. Optimus Prime was fantastic and Megatron was sufficiently badass. All the Transformers looked really good too.
But holy crap, the non-Transformers storyline was horrible, specifically the stuff with the soldiers. Why waste 45 minutes on a bad war movie in a story about GIANT FRICKING ROBOTS. And why is this group of 20 soldiers taking on a Decepticon mano-a-mano. Oh, and look, Megan Fox is fighting Decepticons now. Ok, Autobots, I guess you can go on vacation, Shia LaBeouf, Megan Fox and some soldiers have it all under control...
But, I digress.
Random Internet Fact: Megan Fox appears to be a freak. She tells FHM:
I have the libido of a 15-year-old boy, my sex drive is so high. I’d rather have sex all the time than leave the house.”
First, lucky guests at Comic-Con got a sneak peak at new footage of the film, which stars Christian Bale and explores the Terminator world after that famous nuclear holocaust. Also, via Filmonic, it appears that Jonathan Nolan, brother of Chris and writer on the Dark Knight, has been confirmed as the lead writer on Terminator Salvation. Good news indeed.
Here is Firstshowing's first hand description of Comic-Con and the what went down during the Terminator panel. Looks like news also got out about the new Terminator possibly being rated R rather than PG-13, which is great news for Terminator fanboys, but probably not so good for merchandizers.
5. Rocky IV – When I was 13 years old, I watched a scratchy VHS tape of Rocky IV every single day. Actually, I watched the part where James Brown sings Living in America and then fast forwarded to when Rocky gets to Russia to start training. And you know, the movie works that way. The plot is ridiculous, Paulie has turned into an annoying buffoon by this point in the series and Adrian is a complete succubus during every scene she’s in. But the training scenes were legitimately cool, if a little confusing (why did Rocky scale a 15,000 mountain as part of his boxing training?). And Dolph Lundgren makes a pretty kickass villain. “I win for me! FOR ME!”
4. Rocky II – This movie suffers from the same problem as Rocky 4: the middle half of the movie is excruciatingly boring to sit through. An hour about how much of a loser Rocky is? He can’t read? He doesn’t know what a savings account is? But, the training scenes are as good, if not better, than the first movie and this time we get to watch him run up the steps of the Philadelphia Museum of Art with 100,000 kids following him. Plus, seeing Rocky win the title from Apollo is probably THE MOMENT among all the Rocky movies.
3. Rocky III – I love everything about the third Rocky. Rocky is a paper champ, he’s lost the “Eye of the Tiger,” he’s all of a sudden a huge, ripped bodybuilder, Hulk Hogan makes an appearance as Thunderlips, Apollo is now on Rocky’s side, Mick dies halfway through the movie, and Mr. T is a tour-de-force of a villain. T has arguably my 5 favorite quotes in the series, including:
Interviewer: Do you hate Rocky? Clubber Lang: No, I don't hate Balboa. I pity the fool, and I will destroy any man who tries to take what I got!
And...
Interviewer: What's your prediction for the fight? Clubber Lang: My prediction? Interviewer: Yes, your prediction. Clubber Lang: Pain!
The training scenes are decent, although they dwell on Rocky’s lack of the “Eye” a little too long. The training montage does lead to a great climax where Rocky and Apollo, wearing the shortest of short-shorts, give each other a giant man-hug while frolicking around in slow motion in the water. Stick that scene in a time capsule and call it the 80’s. While not as good as the Creed/Rocky fights, the fight at the end of the movie is entertaining as somehow Rocky survives 1,000 blows to the head from Clubber Lang.
2. Rocky Balboa – There isn’t much wrong with this movie. Adrian is dead. Rocky at least owns his own restaurant, so he’s not a complete loser like in the second movie. Stallone is scary huge in this movie, which kind of works because he’s still a boxer, except that he looked like some kind of mutant Stallone. The training scenes were awesome, as usual, and the ending to the movie was perfect - encapsulating exactly why people like to root for Rocky whether he wins or loses. The movie deals with some legitimate issues about getting older, loss, and moving on with your life. But for the love of god, let this be the last Rocky movie ever.
1. Rocky – The original is still the best. The movie is really showing its age after 30 years, but it is still enjoyable watch. A no-time, down on his luck Philadelphia boxer who gets a shot at the world title? And he comes within a whisker of winning after no one gives him a chance? The movie also introduced us to what would become a Rocky staple – the training montage.
Or maybe the question should be how long will studios keep making movies starring Eddie Murphy? After his latest movie, Meet Dave, made $5.3 million opening weekend while costing about $75 million to make, the answer has to be not much longer, right?
Of course, I originally thought Eddie Murphy was done as an actor when The Adventures of Pluto Nash came out. That movie makes Dave look like a blockbuster. Nash opened to $2.2 million in 2002 and made $4.4 million total in the US after costing about $100 million to make. I remember thinking to myself that that was the end of Murphy as an actor, and yet, here we are in 2008 and he’s still pumping out crap every year.
And – good news - We have at least three more movies to look forward to from Murphy: 2009’s A Thousand Words and NowhereLand and 2010’s The Incredible Shrinking Man.
Jean-Claude Van Damme – Just Continues to be Awesome
A day we don’t get to hear Jean-Claude Van Damme speak is like a summer day without hearing the birds singing, we can all sense that something is missing. Thanks to an article on contactmusic.com (via New York Entertainment), today my friends, our day is complete. In the short interview Van Damme provided, we get the following quotes from The Muscles From Brussels:
“...my movies are very international. I’m a brand name. Van Damme is like Levi's."
"A day doesn’t go past when I’m not recognized,"
"I've made 36 movies in 20 years and I overacted a lot in my early career. So it's very difficult for me to look at myself in those early movies."
Classic Van Damme. Also classic Van Damme:
And if you happen to be in Galway, Ireland this weekend, you can see Jean Claude’s new movie – JCVD – at the 20th Galway Film Fleadh. I’ll give you 10 guesses what the title of his movie stands for...
What’s not to love about Natalie Portman? She’s insanely beautiful, an extremely talented actress, and insanely beautiful. Ok, she may be a little too intelligent; as she can speak like 6 languages and graduated from Harvard. A girl like that wouldn’t go slum diving, even in my most exciting dreams.
Best Movie: With the risk of sounding like some kind of child stalker, it’s The Professional, which currently sits at #38 on IMDB’s top 250 films. Not only is it an amazing film about a professional assassin and his 12 year old neighbor: It has knock-it-out of the park performances by Jean Reno and Gary Oldman and Portman is phenomenal as the 12 year old neighbor. Portman has done a lot of amazing work since, but nothing is as jaw dropping as seeing her give this adult acting performance as a pre-teen. Also mad props to V for Vendetta, which is a powerful film that contains a great performance by Portman. I couldn’t stop thinking about the movie for a week after I saw it. That doesn’t happen to me very often.
Worst Movie: Star Wars: Episode II. Episode I was a horrible piece of elephant shit right on top of the Star Wars mythology, and while Episode II was a slightly smaller piece of shit, Portman’s role was bigger in it. Not that the train wreck was her fault by any stretch of the imagination; no amount of acting is going to save you when you have to read dialogue written by a group of untrained orangutans. Case in point:
Padme: I do not like this idea of hiding. Anakin: Sometimes we must do what is requested of us.
Really, George Lucas? Star Wars is your career, your legacy, your everything and that’s the best you could do. Really?
Interesting Fact: How time will change even the most steadfast of things. Earlier in her career, Portman was totally against doing nude scenes, going so far as to say:
"Also I don't like anything that exploits young women. Yes, nudity can be really artistic and really beautiful, but I don't think we need to see young people naked. I'm not trying to censor or criticize anyone, but it's difficult for me to watch. I wonder if someone else decided for that young person that he or she would get naked.”
So, it came as a little bit of a surprise when she did her first nude scene in Wes Anderson’s short film, Hotel Chevalier, which was a prologue to The Darjeeling Limited. Her change of heart is our gain.
Just missing the list: Charlie O'Connell, Ben Savage.
6. Andrew Wilson
You know Luke and Owen, but do you know Andrew? Let’s see, he appeared with Owen in the movies Bottle Rocket, Zoolander, The Royal Tenenbaums and The Big Bounce. He has appeared with Luke in Rushmore, Charlie's Angels, Charlie's Angels: Full Throttle and Mike Judge's Idiocracy. I will say that his role as gladiator Beef Supreme in Idiocracy was pretty sweet. And he got a huge 5 minutes of screen time in that role. I would assume that’s a record for him.
5. Omar Gooding
Unlike some of the people on this list, Omar has carved out a semi-respectable career for himself, mostly as a TV actor, making guest appearances on CSI: Miami, Deadwood, and one of the all time classics, Hangin' with Mr. Cooper. He had a regular part of the short lived Playmakers on ESPN, was one of the hosts of my fourth favorite kids’ show of all time (Wild and Crazy Kids) and played Stuart in Ghost Dad. He also cleans up pretty well. That’s a career the rest of the guys on the list would kill for.
Bonus points for the fact that he shares a close resemblance with his brother. Plus, the way Cuba’s career is headed, we might see Cuba switch places with Omar in a few years.
4. Michael Bacon
Michael does hold a degree in music and is a musician and composer in his own right, but his “fame” comes from three little words: “The Bacon Brothers,” a musical group he formed with – surprise – his brother Kevin. I have never heard the Bacon Brothers play, but I can imagine the awesomeness of an event like that. According to pictures on their website, it appears that they both play the guitar and, sadly, they have an entire band that accompanies them. I was disappointed with that fact. One hopes that they forced the band to change all their last names to Bacon.
3. Don Swayze
Now the list gets down to business. The younger brother of Patrick Swayze also gets bonus points for his huge carny-esqe resemblance to his older brother. His IMDB page is a testament to the fact that, yes, a person can make a living off guest appearances on television shows. I would even know where to begin... Tremors (the TV version), Walker Texas Ranger, The New Dragnet, L.A. Law, Matlock, Murder, She Wrote, CSI, something called Street Hawk. Hell, he even played Jessie James in an episode of Lois & Clark: The New Adventures of Superman (I can see the resemblance). I could go on for another 10 paragraphs, I really could. Just know that Don Swayze is what would have happened to Patrick Swayze if he wasn’t good looking (I’m talking about 20 years ago, not now).
2. Daniel Baldwin
Up until I was 18, I didn’t know Daniel Baldwin existed. I thought he was Alec Baldwin and I would say to myself, “man, that Alec Baldwin is everywhere.” Clearly, he’s had the least successful acting career of the Baldwin brothers, but he has been in some respectable stuff, like Mulholland Falls and one of my favorite movies of all time, Harley Davidson and the Marlboro Man (seriously, watch this movie with friends. You won’t be disappointed). But Baldwin is #2 on this list thanks to his completely embarrassing 4-episode run on VH1’s reality series Celebrity Rehab with Dr. Drew in 2007. He was a complete train-wreck on that show, and it was impossible not to watch self-destruct.
1. Frank Stallone
A musician and actor, I don’t think Frank Stallone will ever be topped as a celebrity brother. He can pretty much thank Sly for everything he has professionally. For example, Frank wrote songs for the following movies: Rocky II, Rocky III, Staying Alive, Rambo: First Blood Part II, Over the Top, Rocky V, and Rocky Balboa. He also appeared in the following movies: Rocky, Paradise Alley, Rocky II, Rocky III, Staying Alive, Get Carter, and Rocky Balboa. Not to say the guy isn’t talented in his own right, but that list looks a little fishy. Frank is on tour now with his aptly named band, the Frank Stallone Band. Here’s his song from Staying Alive, Far From Over:
Much like a shape-changing giant mecha robot, our powers are indeed mighty when combined
About The Men
"Getting in shape for this role, which is incredibly demanding, vocally, has been a lot of hard work, but I'm nailing it. I'm even kind of, at times, blowing my own mind, because I am even able to talk right now."
-David Hasselhoff
"In December, I am going to Vietnam with my favorite charity, Wheels for Humanity."
-David Hasselhoff
Life has not been great for Tom Cruise recently. He jumped on Oprah’s couch, went nutso on the Today Show, played a German WWII Colonel Claus von Stauffenberg like he was Maverick in Top Gun, and was dumped by Paramount Pictures (among many other things). And now his latest movie with Cameron Diaz called “Knight and Day” looks like it’s going to bomb hard, making only $3.8 million dollars in its opening day.
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