You can't stop it. You can't even hope to contain it.
Wednesday, May 26, 2010
Introducing It's Probably True
Celebrity news heard from somebody who knows somebody, so you know, it's probably true. Anyway, they're looking into it.
Speaking of that, did you know Chuck Norris does NOT know any martial arts? It was actually his twin brother Sheppie Norris who starred in Return of the Dragon with Bruce Lee. When Sheppie died on the set of Breaker! Breaker! In 1976, Chuck stepped in to finish the movie for his late brother. If you watch the fighting scenes closely, you can see where they used a body double in the movie. The rest as they say is history. Chuck took over the role of American superhero from his brother and became the man we know today selling total gyms and kicking Texas ass. Don’t believe me? Just watch Sidekicks again. Clearly the man does not know any karate.
Well, it’s about damn time. Chuck Norris and game publisher Gameloft have announced plans for a Chuck Norris mobile video game called Chuck Norris' Bring On the Pain. From the press release:
Play as either Ranger Chuck or Commando Chuck as he battles the combined forces of Fidel Castro and Kim Jong-il to defeat Communism here and abroad, with all of the subtlety of a Chuck Norris powerhouse takedown. But the enemy isn't the only one feeling the wrath of Chuck, as totally destructible environments allow Chuck to punch down houses with his fists or raze whole forests with his gun.
His gun? Chuck Norris doesn’t need a gun to rip down forests, my friends.
And while we all patiently wait for “Bring on the Pain,” we can ease the pain of our pathetic lives with a little Walker, Texas Ranger marathon. That’s right, Walker, Texas Ranger: Season Five is now out on DVD for your viewing pleasure. The only thing better than watching Norris hand out some old fashioned Texas justice to criminals is watching him hand out some old fashion American justice to commies...
Speaking of that, make sure you catch the Missing in Action marathon on AMC this week: (Thanks to the Pittsburgh Post Gazette for the descriptions):
Missing in Action '84. Chuck Norris. A U.S. colonel escapes from the Viet Cong, then comes back with a floating arsenal to get others out. (R)
Missing in Action 2: The Beginning '85. Chuck Norris. An American colonel held prisoner by sadistic Vietnamese makes a bid for freedom for himself and his fellow POWs. (R)
Braddock: Missing in Action III '88. Chuck Norris. A U.S. colonel returns to Vietnam and fights his way out with his wife, son and Amerasian orphans. (R)
What would a Chuck Norris video game look like? I’d imagine it’d look kind of like this:
Super Chuck Norris Brothers would pretty much be the best game ever created. “Chuck Norris doesn’t need mushrooms! Chuck Norris needs a shotgun!”
And not surprisingly, a playable demo version of the game has been created, so you can blow up Koopas with a bazooka just like Chuck Norris would. You can download Super Chuck Norris Brothers here. I haven’t personally had a chance to download it, but Chad of ripten did and says its virus free.
Bottom line: It is "we the People" who have power over the government, not them over us. They are called to protect our pursuit of life, liberty and happiness, not vice versa. And if they don't, the Declaration of Independence states, in no uncertain terms, that we are "to throw off such Government, and to provide new Guards for (our) future Security."
Preach it Chuck. I think we're with you on this one. Congress needs a roundhouse kick to the collective face right about now.
Where in the World is Chuck Norris? Oh, Right. Everywhere.
If you’re anything like me, you probably rolled out of bed at 10am this morning, vigorously adjusted your junk, wiped the drool off your face, and thought, “Hey, I wonder what Chuck Norris is up to?”
Good question my friend. And it shouldn’t be at all surprising to find out he’s been quite busy recently, even for a Demigod. First, it’s a good day to be Ian Spector, creator of Chuck Norris Facts. Norris reported dropped his lawsuit against Spector, for reasons that are only known to Norris’ right foot. I’d take extra time to smell the flowers today, Ian. Not many men cross Chuck Norris and live to tell of it.
Norris then took time to meet High School senior Vilius Bruzas in Powhatan, Virginia. Bruzas is confined to a wheelchair with cerebral palsy and counts Delta Force among his favorite movies (no offense, but who doesn’t). On a scale of one to ten, Bruzas said about the day, “I give it a 10.” Chuck Norris then gave the day an 11.
Finally, Norris has joined with American Solutions for Winning the Future to launch a campaign with the goal of forcing Congress to drill for oil within US borders and territorial waters. I’m sorry Alaska. Chuck Norris is coming for your oil and there is nothing you can do to stop him. In fact, he’s getting ready to personally drill in the Alaskan wildlife preserve using a single plastic spork.
From the mouth of Norris himself:
We, therefore, the undersigned citizens of the United States, petition the U.S. Congress to act immediately to lower gasoline prices (and diesel and other fuel prices) by authorizing the exploration of proven energy reserves to reduce our dependence on foreign energy sources from unstable countries.
Objects in Chuck Norris's rear-view mirror appear at their correct distances.
Little kids enjoy lighting ants on fire with magnifying glasses. Chuck Norris enjoys lighting little kids on fire with ants. Scientists have yet to find out how this feat is achieved.
The only reason Chuck Norris didn't win an Oscar for his performance in "Sidekicks" is because nobody in their right mind would willingly give Chuck Norris a blunt metal object. That's just suicide.
Chuck Norris does not know where you live, but he knows where you will die.
Chuck Norris' calendar goes straight from March 31st to April 2nd; no one fools Chuck Norris.
Since the Pimp threw out a sweet Chuck Norris/Bruce Lee picture, I thouht I'd go the whole nine yards and find the video (anything's possible on the Internet, oh ya). So, here it is. The video quality is crap, so I guess everything isn't possible. Yet. But it's still 100% Norris (pre-beard, which is funny because I always thought he was born with it).
Chuck Norris moves faster than the speed of sound; but that is moot, because sound won't even get within 10 feet of him anyways.
If we could look into the center of the universe, we would see Chuck Norris looking back at us.
In "Return of the Dragon," Bruce lee and Chuck Norris didn't intend to fight in ruins.. That was actually Osaka, Japan; But they mistakenly demolished THE ENTIRE CITY rehersing the fight scenes for the film!
All this talk about Chuck Norris gotten the old wangitude all tingly, so I decided to the start the first ever Chuck Norris week at the Bumrush. Yes, all Chuck, all the time. Now that is a slogan I can get behind. Let's start off by bringing some video, I remember this like it happened yesterday.
Chuck Norris, the man, the myth, the legend, is all over the Internet. If you have not been to Chuck Norris Facts, stop reading this and go there now. It is simply balls out, the most undisputable facts about Chuck Norris, such as:
Remember the Soviet Union? They decided to quit after watching a DeltaForce marathon on Satellite TV.
When Chuck Norris falls in water, Chuck Norris doesn't get wet. Water gets Chuck Norris.
How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could Chuck Norris? ...All of it.
Chuck Norris does not wear a condom. Because there is no such thing as protection from Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.
Superman owns a pair of Chuck Norris pajamas.
Or, even better, how about some Biggs original Chuck Norris facts (guaranteed to be as good as the original thing).
The moon isn't circling the Earth, it's running away from Chuck Norris.
The United Nations was created to talk Chuck Norris out of destroying entire counties. Remember Bukharan? I thought so.
The only reason Chuck Norris created the Internet was so that Walker Texas Ranger could be seen from anywhere in the world. He then roundhouse kicked Al Gore in the face so hard it gave him a beard.
You can’t get blood from a stone. Because Chuck Norris has taken it already.
Much like a shape-changing giant mecha robot, our powers are indeed mighty when combined
About The Men
"Getting in shape for this role, which is incredibly demanding, vocally, has been a lot of hard work, but I'm nailing it. I'm even kind of, at times, blowing my own mind, because I am even able to talk right now."
-David Hasselhoff
"In December, I am going to Vietnam with my favorite charity, Wheels for Humanity."
-David Hasselhoff
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